i don't know how much of a real adult i want to become just yet, although....well, there's really no although. there's some ideas being thrown in my direction which are a bit mind-boggling and even scary, but not really in a bad way, just in a.....i don't know that i'm really ready to be that much of an adult yet sort of way.....nothing's concrete or set in stone, and i haven't even really thought about it much yet, although i need to start at least considering the idea to see what i feel about it, but....


and it feels weird not actually saying the words of the whole "idea" and circling around it like it's some giant shark in the water that i'm afraid to get too close to....though, well, who knows....


i was talking to my mom a few days ago, after i got off of work for the week on wednesday, and i was on my way to pick up the rest of my computer (the hard drive was being formatted for faster use or something at best buy) and she randomly goes "hey, i've got an idea for you to think about." which doesn't always bode well...

now, don't get me wrong. i love my mom. and my dad. they're...older versions of me essentially, with all my weird quirks but in different ways. people find them amusing, as do i...and i'm happy that i belong to them biologically, because, well, i could have chosen two crazier people but chose them, or they chose me, or fate wanted to have something to laugh at, but still, we get along pretty well...granted, we get along a lot better now that i'm out of high school and finally out of college and i'm not screwing up at midterms every semester. yes, that fact helps a lot to our relationship as daughter and parents. which, well, is something else entirely...

but anyway, so i ask her what she's talking about. and she goes "do you want to buy a house?" just like that, completely out of the blue, and i really don't have any idea what to say. i'm driving, so i'm paying more attention to the road and the cars around me than the fact that i'm not saying anything and i should think of something to say, and she continues to tell me about how there's an 8,000 incentive through the end of the year that she's heard some places mention can be used as part of a downpayment and how my grandmother might be willing to give me 10 or 20 thousand dollars towards a downpayment...which is...mind-boggling to say the least. i had to tell her that no, i've not thought about buying a house, and she goes, well, think about it....what am i supposed to do with that?

it seems very much an adult thing to do...and i don't know that i'm quite there yet. this is my first real job since graduating from salem, and i don't know that buying a house is something that i'm really that ready for....i mean, it's a huge thing, you know? it would tie me more permanently to a specific place, which, while not necessarily a bad thing, i don't know if it's something i'm ready for. though asheville and the surrounding area is a nice, beautiful place, is this where i want to tie down some more official roots? i don't know. granted, as my roommate melissa mentioned, i could always rent it out, and wouldn't necessarily have to stay here, and it's one of the best times to do something like this, buying a house, but still....i just don't know...it's...weird to think of myself as growing up that much that buying a house is a potential event in my life. not necessarily in a scary way, just...in a, i've never thought about that sort of way and i'm not really sure what to think about it....


so who knows.

so marvin (my laptop) died....well, to be fair, he didn't actually die. his ac adapter just will not send a charge to his battery anymore, so all i had was battery power for a couple of days. so i didn't use the computer until i bought an external hard drive to get all of my writing and stuff onto that....so unless somehow i can get his problem fixed, marvin is no longer....

but i'm now brought to you from a desktop that is still nameless right now. i just got it up and running today. i bought it monday, brought the monitor back that day while they cleaned up the harddrive or whatever they did, brought the cpu unit back wednesday after i got out of work, and bought a desk this morning so now it's all set up and running....

and sadly, that's really the only news that i have on this end. life is impressively still the same as it was the last time that i wrote something and posted it, so whatever that means, then that's what's going on. nothing bad, nothing great, just the same as it's been for the last little while.....

movement towards change. for lots of people, for lots of countries, for lots of problems (hopefully movement towards resolution and peace).


it's 2009. i hope everyone is hoping and planning and waiting for a good year to unravel before us. it will be interesting, entertaining, frustrating, confusing, painful, hopeful, busy, to see what all unfolds in these next 12 months, but i am hopeful that the year will be worth it in the end by the time 2010 rolls closer.



and we almost always seem to do something like this, most people anyway. resolutions. or agreements, goals, hopes. i'm not about to jump off the bandwagon and be not at all a normal person (because goodness knows there are definitely times and places and issues where i'm nothing but weird and abnormal, but in this i'm another lemming). mainly, they are:

[1] 2009 is hopefully going to be my year of planning/organizing/figuring things out. by things i'm hopefully meaning a long-term plan for the next few years. i'd like to figure out where graduate school may fit into my life, and come to terms with what progam i want to study for it, and narrow down locations i'd prefer.

[2] get/stay healthy. as i have a feeling i'm moving towards beginning 2009 slightly ill, i want to get this over with for the year if at all possible and move on towards the rest of the year being as healthy and positive as possible. exercising more, eating better, taking better care of myself (which also includes not nearly as many absolutely insane work stretches as i'm just halfway through now and did a lot of this past year and getting enough rest and all of that).

[3] explore asheville and the surrounding area. yes, i've been here for the past year, but with being rise and my schedule for my job changing every month and all the insanity that i brought on myself with picking up crazy extra shifts, i don't really feel like i've seen much of asheville or gotten to get my feet wet with the city much.

[4] work on maintaining better consistent communication with the people i care about. i slack off, get back into the communication game, then slack off and repeat all over again. that's been the rough schedule for the last few years, and i really want to get that changed. i think, with a consistent working schedule, not living on campus anymore, and all of that, it should encourage some normalcy in this arena of my life. or i'm hoping it will.

[5] enjoy. just that, simple enough. and laugh a lot. and care, and have some fun, and do things i care about and enjoy and that are important to me.



here's to a safe, peaceful, happy, fun, challenging, hopeful 2009.

okay, so....this is severely last minute, i know, and all of you are probably busy or not reading your friends list or something, and if i get no response in the time i need it by, no worries, not the end of the world...but anyway....here's the situation:


the asheville relay for life is tomorrow...well, technically today (friday) starting this evening. RISE has a team (roarin' rise) and two of us are going to be there all night long, myself and theresa, our team leader. others will be dropping in throughout the night. our theme for our little slot of kicking-cancer's-arse-ness is going to be a hula/hawaiian like theme. and yes, hula stitch is already required to attend. but on that note, i was put in charge of trying to come up with some hawaiian-ish songs to burn onto a cd for our tent/space and i'm not having a lot of luck using the download program i use (soulseek).

does anyone have any recommendations as to artists, or whatever, that might be somewhat easily found on soulseek? or sites online that have free downloads for hawaiian-ish music? or do you have some already on your computer and are willing to send them to me? or....whatever else you can think of that fits this. so anything hawaiian related, jimmy buffett (this came from theresa), instrumental, whatever....please, if anyone can help, i'd really really appreciate it.


and i'm at work. and not wanting to be. or not wanting to deal with the girls in the morning. i just really hope it's a good morning for the entire cottage, because...i'm slightly afraid i might get snippy or something at one or more of them if things are tense or hectic/insane.

( in an mmmbop....or thoughts on two hours of music on monday, may 5th, 2008 )


so happy hanson day. and to those of you reading this that aren't hanson fans, i'm sorry to say, but you're missing out. or maybe you aren't. it's a matter of opinion, and you're welcome to yours, but....

and so generally about once a year, rarely much more than that, i get this idea into my head that my hair needs to be dealt with somehow other than its current state. and yes, i realize that the way i'm discussing my hair--the words and phrases i'm using that give off the vibe of not really caring or having that much invested in my hair is probably how this comes off to people--isn't what lots of people would consider normal. i'm not a hair person. i've lived for 24 years in a state of passive aggressive and resolved, if reluctantly, acceptance over the state of the hair that is attached to my head. i'm not a giant fan of it. i don't particularly care much about it. i wish i could shave it all off and be done with it once and for all, however i think i would terrify small children and animals if i went that route, so i'm stuck with having hair on my head--hair that i never feel cares much about what it does or what it looks like or if it's aggravating me. which is all well and good, i can deal with that. i have been dealing with that for however many years.

so i don't go the whole girly--hair products and blow dryers and straighteners and hair goop and perms or dyeing or whatever--route with my hair. that's fine by me, i really don't mind. though the fact that i am a female seems to make sure that i get hit with these random, and fairly fleeting, moments where i wish i could do something with it, wish it would...follow instruction or tame down or do something that looks somewhat nice rather than simply being brushed and thrown into a ponytail or whatever. and it seems i've been delivered one of these moments recently.

so i've determined it's now time to get the hair chopped. and possibly threatened by a straightener or blow dryer--using the logic that if it gets threatened with such impliments of torture it might behave for a few days or hours afterwards. and so i am hoping to enlist your help, somehow, to some extent...i've got a few photos of hair styles i kind of like, or think i could deal with somewhat, and will be posting them at the end of this email. let me know your thoughts, your opinions, or if you have any other suggestions/ideas.

i don't know where i'm going to get the hair chopped off here, since i'm newly planted in asheville and have no idea what the market is hair-wise around here. i'm going to ask some of my fellow RISE but we'll see. and yes, i'd consider letting an individual, not connected to a hair place, hack at it should they have decent references and feel somewhat comfortable and confident with the idea. i did that at salem once, it didn't turn out too horribly....

since i am not allowed to sleep until sometime after ten this morning (i'm currently at work and this is my hour off so i'm in the back writing this really quick and working on paperwork--i'm really good at multi-tasking, seriously)....and since i need to do something other than paperwork for a few minutes, i'm doing this.

i've been really terrible about posting on any kind of regular basis. i've either been: working, sleeping, preparing to go to work, or trying to go to sleep. and that's really about it. seriously. such is the sad state of my life. add to the mix the fact that i'm currently not feeling very well, and it makes it all even more fun. not seriously sick, but not well, slightly dizzy/off balance, and like i'm going to throw up (though i have yet to and i've been feeling this way for the past four days, so i think it's pretty safe to say i probably won't, but still, it makes my stomach hurt pretty bad and not any fun at all to deal with.


and drum roll please......i'm staying on ONA for may. but i'll be moving to weekday ONA, still in cummings. and i'll actually have weekends off, unless i pick any shifts up. which i probably very likely will, but still....but rachel (roomie) is going to work for me on the 5th, so i've got my hanson night freed up...just need to talk to jenn....JENN!! where are you fellow hanson fan and my date to the concert? are you out there somewhere? i hope you're doing okay...


anyway, i need to go back to the paperwork....

and i baked today. see??



french vanilla + cherry almond vanilla frosting cupcakes


not all that fancy, but....they're pretty yummy. i've thrown them (not really, just figuratively) at seven people so far, and all have said they're yummy, so so far so good....i have to admit i'm not wild about the pink of the frosting, just because i'm not big on pink myself, and the chopped cherries don't look all that great as topping, but...they're yummy at least.

well, i think i can officially say i've lost my marbles. not that i had all that many to begin with. no--not true. i haven't lost any marbles.


i've just sent an email to the president. yeah, that one, the guy living in the big white house up on pennsylvania avenue. for all the good it's going to do. (meaning none, since he won't get it, doesn't read them, won't respond, but whatever). still, regardless of the fruitlessness of my efforts, i've written it and emailed it out.

it was in response, or prompted really, by this article on cnn.com: "bush arrives in tanzania bearing gift to fight poverty".

this is great. i'm all for this, thank you bush for surprising me and being a human being. well, okay, that's somewhat harsh. i've known he's a human being. i've known he can do some great things when it either works for him, or he thinks to do it, or whatever. anyway. (and yes, i realize i'm definitely being overly harsh and negative, and i apologize for the sound of it, but if it helps i can tell you i am definitely a democrat, if that explains anything for you).

however, a pair of shaq's basketball shoes and the $698 million in aid he's promised tanzania to help fight disease and poverty there won't do anything to help the suffering, the violence, the needless deaths in darfur. and all of you have known for a while (or should know at least) that the darfur genocide is a big deal for me. and so i sent an email expressing that concern to him. like i said, it won't do any good, but...well, i voiced things.

( dear president bush - why shaq's shoes and not helping the deaths stop in darfur? )

well, that's what i sent. and of course you only get the generic "the white house wants to thank you for your comments and suggestions" email of like a total of 40 words at most. but whatever....

so i think it's been decided.

cherry vanilla buttercream cupcakes. with some form of white cake as the base. or either cherry almond buttercream cupcakes. but one of the two.


lets hope i can get all the right ingredients i need for them tomorrow and that they turn out edible and yummy when i can get around to baking them (probably monday or tuesday, but possibly sunday). we'll see how they turn out.


and....i forgot. uhm....oh well, it's gone......

well, okay. still in florida currently, though i'm going to be riding the greyhound bus home on tuesday afternoon from here, will get into walterboro around 9:15 at night tuesday night.


in other quick news (since this internet connection uses their phone line) i'm moving to asheville on the 18th or the 19th. got (officially) the spot in the internship program at Eliada. need to be there to start on the 21st. so, yeah....will let everyone who wants it know what my new mailing address will be once i know what it is of course....

happy new year my dears. i hope 2008 is an amazing one for everyone.



i am still alive. i am still in jacksonville. my car is most definitely dead (to me at least). it may be getting bought by someone, but i don't know yet. i cannot say when i will be back at home, nor can i say when the internship at eliada is going to start and thus when i will be moving up to asheville.


but....i apparently now know what kind of drink i am:

The Recipe For Emma

3 parts Elegance 2 parts Devilry 1 part Drive Splash of Dignity Limit yourself to one serving. This cocktail is strong!

may i ask why i only get a "splash" of dignity? ahh well, the 2 parts devilry makes up for just a single splash i think. :-)

just want to say happy christmas to everyone who celebrates it, and happy holidays to everyone in general.

i hope it's been a fun, peaceful, safe time for you and yours.


<3 <3

i'm preparing to embark on a new project. a creative non-fiction project to be more specific. either one essay, or a series of essays--depending on how much i have to say and how much i find to include from various sources--on peace.

specifically on the price of peace, the need for it, the quest/search for it, the importance it has, why we need it in our lives and in the world, what happens when it's missing, its affect on war, politics, people, countries, education, social justice, animals, what it means, et cetera.


so....anyone, if you have or know of any peace-related quotes, essays, articles, photographs, any of that, send the information my way. can't promise it will be used, but i'll read it at least and see if i can use it somehow in this project i'm about to try and start on. haven't thought of a good title for it yet, the essay(s) or the entire project itself, but we'll see what it ends up turning out like.

i imagine this lj will be overtaken by bits and pieces of it once i really get started on it, so beware that entries might become more philosophical and questioning and all of that rather than what they've been as of late or generally with my journal. or i might have to start a blog somewhere specifically for this project. i haven't quite decided yet how that's going to work.

about to head down to the grandparents'.



be safe everyone, and have a wonderful weekend. *hugs*

well, about to drive up to winston tomorrow. will be getting on the road sometime in the early afternoon probably.

i've got a 9:30 meeting tomorrow morning in walterboro with a woman who i think i'm going to be petsitting for starting on sunday and going through that week. she called this morning, and mrs. kathy (owner of the bookstore) had apparently recommended me to her when she went in.

she has a ten year old greyhound named pixie. she had originally planned just to have family and or friends stop by her house during the week to feed her, but sometime in the last few days pixie has apparently broken her leg, and now she thinks that having someone staying in the house during the week is the best idea, so we'll see what happens tomorrow morning.

heckling george thursday night at the CWW "surreal south" reading event. and probably beforehand at the dinner in the RG house, i imagine he'll be there for that. i don't know if i'm going to be a surprise to him or not, because i haven't heard if ginger has told him i'm going to be there or not. i haven't asked her not to mention it, or necessarily to mention it, so we'll see if he's surprised to see me there or not.

visiting with the candace (weee) on friday somewhere. and meeting up with a few other salem people i imagine at some point while i'm there. i'm either going to be coming back home sometime saturday or going straight to mrs. downey's house on sunday, depending on what time she wants me to be at her house sunday.

and marvin is apparently in transit or about to be in transit back to beaufort. no telling if he's actually working right now, but we'll see if i have to beat any geeks up when it arrives and i drive down there to rip him from their grubby little incompetent hands. hmph, well, okay, maybe not grubby, and maybe all of their hands aren't incompetent, but welll...

and can i just say that jimmy can do no wrong in my book? (jimmy eat world that is). weee

still alive.

about to make a trip up to winston-salem mid-next week, probably starting on wednesday. still trying to figure out where i'm going to be staying while i'm there, though i don't think it should be a problem, i just need to actually get in contact with people rather than playing phone tag.

am going to look at jobs up there while i'm there, and at apartments maybe.

i think at this point it seems a bit more realistic and possible to have me start my "professional life" there rather than trying to throw myself straight up to boston or anywhere up there in that area. i'm not sure at all how i'd be able to afford immediate living up there, and in winston or greensboro it would certainly be easier, not nearly as expensive as it would be anywhere up in the north. but we'll see what turns out.

my mom has given me two weeks to find a job, or two part-time jobs, or something. either somewhere else or here at home. so....i know i can find something, even if it's not something i'm in love with doing, so it shouldn't be all that difficult. so we'll find out how this goes.

but i'm planning on being in the winston area from sometime wednesday afternoon through at least friday, possibly heading home saturday, or maybe sunday. it all just depends really i guess. i need to see how long i can stay with whoever will let me stay on their floor or couch or someplace.

and there are perks for the w-s/greensboro area: contra dancing, the w-s uu fellowship, skippy's, candace, paula, nikki, salem, the CWW, less expensive cost of living, less expensive rent and therefore i could get a bigger place possibly, definitely could more than likely have a dog there, i know the area pretty well, wouldn't have to change banks, and it's at least partially cooler than sc....but yeah. so we'll see...

and have the new JEW cd...pretty good. of course, being the serious fan that i am, i think they can do no wrong really, heh...have almost already memorized practically all of the songs. and i've had the cd since wednesday, but anyway....and marvin is finally getting repaired. or he better be. and should be ready when i get back from winston, or around that time....

i don't know what made me, encouraged me friday morning to turn on the radio in the car when i was on my way into walterboro. i hadn't been listening to it since i left the yard, and was about halfway to town, when i just turned it on, though it wasn't out of any absolute need to have noise filling the air.

but regardless of whatever reason my brain or whatever had in urging me to turn on the radio, it happened, and i heard about the rally saturday at the statehouse in columbia, the rally for darfur that i mentioned in my last post i decided to go to.

i did. that was yesterday. it was...strange, energetic, encouraging, hopeful, slightly disappointing (not for any bad reasons or anything of that sort), but more than anything it was....affirming. i was glad i decided on whatever whim it was, to get in my car and go there. i got there in time, and though i didn't stay through the entire thing (didn't really fancy trying to figure out downtown columbia--that i've never driven through ever before--in the dark), i wish i had stuck it out a bit longer.

there was a darfur refugee who came and spoke to the crowd. it was a decent crowd too, which was somewhat surprising, but in a good way. he was BY FAR the most powerful part of the event that i stayed for, even though there were others who spoke who put more force behind their words. sometimes, words that are spoken are all that more powerful if they aren't forced and thrown out in the air with an overly loud voice.

i can't understand how we've allowed this to continue for so long, why we (as a country, as people in the same bloody world that we all live in) haven't spoken out and stood up and demanded more attention, more help, more change. why it's taken us this long. but i'm glad it's starting.

i want to know what each of the presidential candidates think on darfur. i want to ask each and every one of them, and their answers will influence who i vote for. no matter that i'm a staunch democrat, that i'll never vote for a republican if i can help it at this point. if none of the democratic candidates that i already approve of more or less have a satisfactory answer about darfur, on what they'll charge and push for, i'll find someone who has the right answer, who will promise aid, who will promise assistance and promise a future of peace and safety and a place of no fear for the refugees who have already fled darfur and for the ones who haven't been able to. we can't let it continue, we can't. i won't. and i'll...well, who knows. whatever i've got to do, to make a bit of a difference wherever i am, about this, i'll do whatever it is.

and so there it is.

what will you give, what will you sacrifice, what will you volunteer, to save tens of thousands or more lives that without your voice, your support, won't survive through tomorrow/next week/next month/the year?

decided that i'm going to columbia tomorrow.

some of you might be asking, why would she be doing that? well, this is your answer:

rally for darfur


yep. was listening to NPR on my way into town earlier this morning, and they were interviewing richard sribnick, md, the chairman of the darfur action group of south carolina, and he was talking about darfur in general but also about this rally tomorrow. and i've decided to go. have unearthed my old-arse uu shirt ("world justice now" says the shirt on the bad, it's seriously probably at least nearly 20 years old, but whatever, definitely fitting for tomorrow), and it is in the wash, and i've worked up a checklist of things i need to take with me.

parents don't know i'm going yet, since i only heard about it a few hours ago, but who cares. not like they can stop me, or even would if they thought to try or thought they should. so yep. going to columbia tomorrow. lets hope i don't get lost. not that i don't know how to get to columbia, i do, easily, i'm just not quite sure where exactly these three parking garages are that are offering free parking for the event, and i'd rather not park my car on the street since it's still packed with my stuff from the boston trip....